Recipe: Orgasm Cookies to Pimp Your Easter

From now until October, guest writer Hoshi will be defiling this great blog with monthly recipes/life-narratives only sometimes related to Okinawan sweet potatoes or the blog’s overarching topic of media diversity. Hoshi is a great friend who feeds Cheri and Chebk on a not-so-regular basis, which is a goddamn shame (says Cheri).

Why recipes and narratives, you may ask? Provided below are two great quotes from two great prodigies of the written word:

“Now a narrative is a story, not a logic, nor ethics, nor philosophy. It is a dream you keep having, whether you realize it or not. Just as surely as you breathe, you go on ceaselessly dreaming your story. And in these stories you wear two faces. You are simultaneously subject and object. You are a whole and you are a part. You are real and you are shadow. ‘Storyteller’ and at the same time ‘character’. It is through such multilayering of roles in our stories that we heal the loneliness of being an isolated individual in the world.” – Haruki Murakami, Underground

And:

“Food is fucking amazing.” – Chebk

This is what Little Timmy wants. Not another Jesus figurine.
This is what Little Timmy wants for Easter. Not another Jesus figurine.

Like most Christian holidays this sort-of-but-not-really Christian nation of God-given greatness celebrates, Easter has evolved over the years. Whereas the holiday used to be a celebration exclusive to the religious, today it is enjoyed by people of all faiths and spiritual identities. That is because we now celebrate it in ways that 99% of the American population can appreciate and relate to: through consumerism and activities that stoke our sugar addiction. That’s right, kids. Easter is all about the allocation of the holiest resource of them all: sugar.

That’s not to say that you should feel bad about your sugar consumption. I mean, ever wonder what was responsible for Jesus’s endless stores of empathy, strength, and will to do good? What kept him laughing in the face of oppressors, loving despite all the haters, and living despite the fact that he died quite some time ago? Sugar. Sugar, goddammit.

As a young, disbelieving (and therefore failure of a) Roman Catholic, I regularly missed the point of Lent. While 40 days without some fickle luxury is nothing compared to the suffering a man named Jesus once reportedly experienced, it gives young practitioners some idea about the pain he endured. It is uncomfortable losing something you’ve become accustomed to having at your convenience (though, admittedly, it is not nearly as uncomfortable as crucifixion probably is).

And that discomfort, however small and laughable, was too much for my spoiled eight year old self to handle. Evidently, “The World’s Savior” is not a title for the weak. As if tuning out completely during any and all sermons and scripture readings during Mass wasn’t damning enough, I could never commit to giving up THAT ONE THING for the full 40 day period of sacrifice. Early on, I made the mistake of giving up my Pokemon games (Red version always and forever, bitches). In later years, I would be wise enough to sacrifice things like “Hershey’s bars” or “Resee’s Peanut Butter Cups” because, hell, there are hundreds of other candies to feed your sugar addiction. Thankfully, regardless of your spiritual identity or whether you participated in Lent this year, you don’t have to sacrifice any of those this Sunday.

Without further ado, here’s the recipe for your Easter revival!

Orgasm in holy cookie form.
Orgasm in holy cookie form.

Hoshi’s Easter Orgasm Cookies (inspired by the original Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie recipe)

Yields roughly four dozen orgasmic cookies.

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups flour
  • 3/4 cup brown sugar
  • 3/4 cup granulated sugar
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 sticks of salted butter (I’ve actually never tried unsalted butter but imagine that yields similar results)
  • 4 oz. mini M&Ms
  • 4 oz. dark chocolate chips
  • 4 oz. peanut butter chips
  • Rainbow sprinkles
  • Any other toppings you want to pimp your orgasm cookies with (they should, however, be colorful)

Full recipe under the cut!

(L)The finished product (R) and yours truly's preferred toppings for cookie orgasm.
(L)The finished product (R) and yours truly’s preferred toppings for cookie orgasm.

Mix your flour, baking soda, and salt in a small bowl. Be sure that your baking soda is not clumped together or you will weep over mouthfuls of chalk reminiscent of the taste of laundry detergent. Mix your white and brown sugar, butter, eggs, and vanilla extract in a separate, larger bowl. (Because butter takes lifetimes to melt and I am against the use of microwaves in softening it, I cut the sticks up into cubes before smashing them to death with a rubber spatula.) I also recommend ditching the blender with this recipe, as no Easter is complete without some measure of suffering, you’d best bow your head and put those forearms and that spatula to use.

Don't stop the creamin'.
Don’t stop the creamin’.

Mix your dry ingredients into the larger bowl containing your wet ingredients. Don’t do the reverse. Mix until creamy. Mix in your M&Ms and chips.

Easter9
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit, preferably on a convection oven setting. Using a small ice cream scoop (or two spoons; or just one spoon and your fingers), scoop a dozen clumps of raw cookie dough onto your baking sheets. Gently flatten the tops of your cookies and add sprinkles (the flatter surface prevents those pesky things from scattering onto your floor and, therefore, prevents you from hating your life). Bake for 11 minutes. You may bake for 9-10 if you’d like them to be softer in the middle.

Scooping the bad boys onto our metal baking sheets and adding our sprinkles.
Scooping the bad boys onto our metal baking sheets and adding our sprinkles.

When done, your orgasmic cookies should be golden-brown on the surface. Don’t be alarmed if the color is uneven. Be alarmed if the middles are still raw. This means that you need a better convection oven.

Set out the sheets to cool for a few minutes. Using a metal spatula, carefully shift the cookies on the baking sheet so that their bottoms are detached from the sheet. Allow them to cool until your taste buds can stand the heat.

ENJOY!

(Tips: the general rule of thumb is that you should flood your cookie dough with what you believe to be an unreasonably large amount of M&Ms and chocolate/peanut butter chips, and then add even more. The same goes with the sprinkles.)

Orgasm in holy cookie form.
Orgasm in holy cookie form.

Whether you’ll spend the commemoration of Jesus’s resurrection weeping gallons of Catholic Guilt, chasing down snot-nosed toddlers in an lethal egg-hunt, or simply on your sedentary atheist ass playing Sid Meier’s Civilization V (yours truly), you will feel at least a temporary sugar rush – and, hopefully, a smidge of happiness – with the creation and annihilation of this devilishly delectable recipe.

RISE! And may the Glucose-rich Spirit be with you.

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3 thoughts on “Recipe: Orgasm Cookies to Pimp Your Easter

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